On the Rebound
by V.M. Bell
Summary: A fic filled with six ships, all of which are intensely random and irrelevant. Written with only one purpose in mind: amusement.


On the Rebound  
By Virginia Scarlett Debilles

Voldemort was pissed. Albus Dumbledore had just left him for the third time running for Minerva McGonagall. Damn straight guy. He felt obliged to assault Hogwarts, this would ease his inner heartache and would serve as the final battle, since there was still that damn prophecy to be fulfilled. So he led his faithful corps of Death Eaters to Hogwarts. This was the end of Dumbledore _and_ Harry Potter.

The battle had raged on…and on…and on…etc., and he still wasn't over his recent breakup. He knew it was time- time to blast that bugger Potter to pieces. The bloody fucking Quidditch player had meddled in his affairs for too long now. He didn't have long to wait, though, as the bespectacled boy with emerald eyes soon came wandering down the hallway, absentmindedly whistling "God Save the Queen". He then stopped in his tracks.

"Hey, aren't you _Voldemort_? I'm supposed to kill you… Wait! Let me get my wand out!"

"No, you imbecile! You've got it backwards- _I'm_ supposed to kill _you_!"

"Oh, the prophesy! I remember now…Dumbledore told me about that in fifth year before he fucked me."

"What! I thought he left me for that whore, Minerva!"

"McGonagall? Wait- he left _you_? You were with him?"

"Of course, why else would I be here? I'm on the rebound, you idiot!"

"Oh. That explains a lot."

"Yeah, it does. Now, put your wand away so we can make this quick and painless. I feel like moping, and I can't do that when I'm about to kill my archenemy."

"Alright. At the moment I don't care. I'd rather die, anyway. I deserve it, don't I? I mean, how many of your plots have I already foiled? Besides, I killed all those people, however indirectly."

"Yeah well, I killed more than you."

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Did to, and now I have to kill you. So, _Avada-_"

"Why'd you pause?"

"I-I-I _can't_. I don't know why, I've planned this to every detail, up to my conquering of the whole world, and my pretty coronation ceremony. Harry, I think- I think you turn me on."

"I _what_!"

"I just want to fuck you."

"And why would that be?"

"Well, you remind me of how I used to be, and God knows I was gorgeous enough. And you can't forget I'm on the rebound."

"Yeah, so am I. Stupid Dumbledore, it's always that crackpot old fool. What the hell, let's fuck!"

And so they did. It was the most pleasurable thing he had ever experienced, even Dumbledore couldn't get him this hard.

"Oh _Voldie_…"

"Harry, Harry!"

It ended too quickly, as they were soon interrupted by Draco Malfoy. Voldemort had always known Lucius was better than his bratty son, in _and_ out of bed, not that he had ever fucked Draco, although he couldn't say he wanted to, anyway.

In the midst of the babbling in Voldemort's head, Draco shouted, "Harry! What the hell! I thought you were mine!"

"I am Draco, it's just, I'm on the rebound."

"But I didn't break up with you."

"Not _you_, Dumbledore."

"Oh Harry, I'm sorry. I can help you with that." And Draco winked.

Harry jumped up from the floor where he was with Voldemort. "Sorry Voldie, we can murder each other some other day." Then he shouted to Draco, "Draco, would you get the bed ready?"

And Voldemort watched, not for the first time, as yet another lover left him. He then got up, brokenhearted for the second time in 24 hours. He sighed. Oh well, he could kill Harry later, for now; he felt that Dumbledore didn't deserve to live. If he were Albus, where would he hide?

"Tom?" He heard a voice from behind him, and dared himself to hope.

"Al-Albus?"

"You weren't fucking my Golden Boy, were you?"

"I'm sorry Albus, love. I was on the rebound."

"Of course you were, darling. I've been waiting for you. These battles always put me in the mood."

"But what about your bitch, Minerva?"

"Haven't you learned that I'll always come back to you? She was enjoyable for those thirteen sodding years that you left me."

"I didn't leave you!"

"You certainly did! I told you not to go to the Potter's! I told you that you'd be blown up or something as equally horrible."

"But I couldn't help it. James Potter was such a prick, leaving me like that."

"Of course you could help it! I regret ever setting you two up in the first place."

"Well _sorry_, but I was on the rebound."


End file.
